30 Aug 2010

Tell us about your Night

A drunken night down the town with some mates, pretty standard stuff, nothing to brag about and why would we? It’s not like we do it with any of the other normalities of life. “Ah mate, I was just outside and there was water falling from the sky, I’m not lying, there was WATER coming out of the SKY! I don’t want to be rash, but I’m pretty sure it means I’m the new Jesus, do I look holy? I look really holy today don’t I? Should I get some sandals?”

Turns out though, a few people didn’t get the message - some problem with their email I expect, or maybe they're just hollow human beings, no probably the email thing. They think we need to know exactly how much they drank and exactly how ‘wasted’ they got, with alcohol talked about like it’s some top secret drink that only privileged individuals can get access to and we should all stare in awe of anyone who has some. “Oh yea, alcohol ey? Like that stuff other there? That stuff the homeless guy has in his brown paper bag, is that the stuff you’re talking about?”

The drink is the important thing to them, not the people they were with or where they went, just how much they drank. They say things like “we downed two bottles of wine before we even left the house!”
“Oh yea, two bottles of wine was it? Can I shake your hand please? I expect you have a medal for this, no? Probably more likely a trophy? You could drink more alcohol out of the trophy now if you wanted and we could all watch and take notes. Is that ok? They’ll probably make a movie of your life soon, are they making it now? Am I in shot?”

So yea, how about a turn around, quiet night down the pub? Then how about: “Crazy night last night, I got absolutely slightly tipsy! Had 3 pints in less than 2 hours!.. although I left a bit of the third one, had to be up early in the morning, plus I got all distracted from the drinking by having a conversation with other humans, those damn humans getting in the way of me and the booze!”

26 Aug 2010

Shingles

So somebody at work got Shingles recently.  This led to two things for the rest of us: 'fear of getting shingles' and asking 'what is shingles?'.  Paranoia ran high, especially for the guy who had been sitting next to her (on the left).  So I sent out the following email to help clear up the confusion...

A definition of shingles from the Oxford English Dictionary.

Shingles (plural) [pron: shin-guls]:   Shingles, more commonly know as the ‘pirate disease’, is a virus from the same family as chickenpox.  The condition is highly contagious with research showing that people located to the left of someone carrying the virus are most at risk of infection, this is believed to be the origin of the popular phrase “a pirate to my left, a sailor to my right”.  Symptoms include a strong desire to have a parrot sit on their shoulder which can lead to high levels of stress for the individual as parrots often prefer to fly away.  In extreme cases infected individuals can be overcome with the urge to discover ‘treasure’, where they can be seen digging random holes in the pursuit of such treasure.  A reported case in 1997 saw four individuals with shingles enter a supermarket car park with a JCB digger, but the police were able to restrain them before any damage was done.