22 Dec 2010

Alternative Christmas Facts



One
There were originally four wise men who set off to visit the baby Jesus, but one was left behind and relegated to the status of ‘stupid man’ after turning up on the morning of the trip wearing a silly hat. "I'm disappointed that I didn't get to go and that they didn't like my hat" he was recorded as saying.

Two
Joseph and Mary were told there was "no room in the inn", because they were both 11 feet tall and there was physically no room for them in there.

Three
Jesus was orignally named Bruce, but the name was later changed as Mary decided it wasn't holy-sounding enough.

Four
A lesser known miracle performed by Jesus (alongside turning water into wine and walking on water) occurred just before his crucification, where he turned 6 people into cheddar.

Five
Jesus was actually a lousy carpenter with many of the tables and chairs he made breaking after little use. After several rejection letters from the finest carpentry schools in the country he abandoned his dream and reluctantly took the job of being God instead.

Six
Jesus intended to return to Earth in the year 2000, but an error with the Jesus-arrivo machine prevented this, “this damn thing’s crashed again” came a heavenly voice from the sky.

Seven
The tradition of present buying at Christmas began in 1972 after a widely reported claim that Jesus had appeared to a man in supermarket. "What are you doing here Frank!?" asked Jesus, "Songs of Praise has just started and you're here staring at tuna, I'm not happy with this, not happy at all. Here take this video recorder and don't miss another episode. Right I'm off to do some earthquakes and tornadoes, bye". Presents have been an integral part of Christmas ever since.